Now & Then
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Now:
“I take pleasure in my transformations. I look quiet and consistent, but few know how many women there are in me”
Anäis Nin, The Early Diary of Anäis Nin, Vol. 3
Perfect Woman. Perfect Mum. Perfect Student. Perfect Employee. Perfect Citizen. Perfect Temperament. Perfect Lady. Why are they all in capitals? Because they are labels and roles that I’ve tried to perform as or live up to in my life; my whole life. At times the labels might have changed, such as from Perfect Child to Perfect Woman, but one factor has always remained the same – the intangible, elusive concept of Perfect. At least that is what I have always strived for. However, I’ve finally grown tired of trying to be perfect or trying to convince others that I am. I am far from it as you will see. It’s been a long road.
As such, I have resisted the urge to write myself as Perfect throughout this story. We all like to be viewed from the best angle and with the right lighting to illuminate our best qualities. In looks, I know that my right side is my most photogenic. I know that I look more beautiful and approachable when I smile. After years of carefully applying makeup in countless different mirrors every morning, I know what features to accentuate and which angles of my face to highlight. Similarly, I’ve grown to know the best and worst features within the landscape of my personality; the parts of absolute beauty and the not-so-attractive parts that require further maintenance through weeding and the planting of new blossoms. Still, I could not tell the complete story if I only shined the light on those parts that I want you to see. Although memories in themselves are never perfect in reconstructing the past, I have also been authentic to my imperfect memories; relaying them as accurately as I am able to recall. What would be the point of writing this story otherwise? It is liberating to lay myself bare; to at last be naked in my own truth without a shield of makeup, ornamentation or artifice. I am not good or evil; angel or devil; virgin or whore. I am an Imperfect Woman; and I’m happy to be here.
Then:
“There are few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination”
Anäis Nin, The Early Diary of Anäis Nin, Vol. 3
I’ve always said that it didn’t affect me. It was only six months of my life – give or take. Although I knew a moment could transform a life, I could understand this. I could see how a death within a moment, or a few minutes, is transformative. So too with winning a lottery; learning of a pregnancy; a moment of violence; even something like finding a partner in bed with someone. There are a number of things like these – that you can imagine changing your life in an instant. Six months, though, seemed both too long a time and too short a time to have such a high impact effect on a full life. Though I guess I had my transformative moment too. I only half-realised it at the time…