Sex Ed

Unfortunately for me, my parents – though liberal in general – were not liberal in their discussions of puberty, sex, boys or men with me. I knew what condoms were as I’d heard about them being called ‘Frenchies’ by boys that I knew, and I remember asking Mum and Dad about them – strange that I’ve never heard of them being called that since. Still, I do not recall any other conversation about sex with them. I’m not sure whether that was because I was too shy to ask them, or whether they were reluctant to raise the issue with me. Mum and Dad had been together since their mid-teens and married as soon as they were legally allowed. Although Dad had some experience with other women including when he was travelling away from Mum at one point in his late teens, Mum had only dated Dad and lost her virginity to him. I guess in this sense, she’d had no other comparison to give me much advice. Also, because Mum had experienced ovarian cancer in her early twenties and had gone through a subsequent early menopause, I don’t recall her having conversations with me about periods or puberty either. Apart from my sister, who had to help me insert my first tampon as I was so clueless and scared, I felt as though I was feeling and stumbling my way through puberty and sexual discovery in the dark on my own. With it being the late 80’s in my early teens, we didn’t have the internet to Google and seek out information. The only resources that most teenagers might have access to were their parents’ ‘dirty’ magazines or videos – usually hidden under beds or high up in closets. I think my limited knowledge and understanding about males in general also stemmed from not having a brother and having a distant, generally unemotional, and at times aggressive father. Therefore, apart from the boys down the street that we adventured with as young girls, our perceptions of men were moulded by possibly the most distorted and unrealistic ideals – romantic movies, books, and our own imaginations and fantasies. So that was the extent of my sexual knowledge apart from hearing further whispers about blow-jobs, which I thought sounded disgusting at the time. 

Another example of me clumsily falling into experience were my own orgasms. I hadn’t heard the word ‘orgasm’ until I was about 14, and even then, I didn’t actually know what it was. It was whispered about to me by an older high school girl who had experienced one, and I remember leaving that conversation confused and intrigued but with not much greater knowledge. What was this thing called an orgasm? All I knew was that it sounded amazing. Although I had been touching myself for years, I never quite made it to orgasm until I was mid-16. Embarrassingly, when I was touching myself – even though there was a slow build-up each time – I didn’t know where it would lead until it finally happened. So this was the elusive (and remarkable, as I found out) orgasm. The first time was in the bath, after much, much practice and a variety of positions on chairs, in bed and in the bath over many years. I thought I’d found heaven. My first orgasm from a man came to me orally from an unknown man, with an unknown name and even a face that I can’t recall. Was he in his thirties or forties? All I remember was how keen and patient he was, and that he finally got me there. It was a success for him and a good indicator of his skills since I fought it – not physically as such, but in a mental capacity. It truly happened without me wanting it to, even though I had given consent – as much as a 16-year-old can in that situation. I’m certain that he had no idea that he was the first to accomplish this, and unfortunately, very few men have had the oral ability, experience or keenness to make me come orally since. Sadly, being a good, giving and considerate lover isn’t a skill that is taught to many males on the cusp of adulthood. Even more sadly, from my experience I believe that pornography (as a teacher alone)  makes the likelihood of a man being a good lover – and for a woman to be a truly uninhibited lover without putting on a performance – even less likely. A touchy subject, I know…