Thinning Out

My wish came true. Within three months of dieting I too was tiny – with even Australian size 6 clothes swimming on my body. I felt catwalk model-thin and proud of my body. I felt lithe and coltish in my limbs, and being so small made me look taller too. Everything about my body felt long, graceful and elegant to me. I loved that I took up such little space. I had found it ridiculously easy to lose weight. Also, although I was starving most of the time, and thought about food and my next so-called ‘meal’ constantly, I felt a remarkable sense of control and power over myself. I felt a sense of accomplishment with this. As I knew that I was thin, I wore clothes that fitted to my body. B and I would also regularly go to various beaches on the northern side of Sydney – from Harbord, right up to Whale Beach and Palm Beach. We thought nothing of stripping down to a black G-string on the beach and going topless; both walking on the beach and sunbathing.Although both B and I were very thin at this point, my parents were particularly worried about me. We were of an almost identical height, though prior to beginning our weight-loss pact I had been slightly smaller overall and would have weighed less. Hence, while she looked thin, I looked dangerously skinny. Strangely, while my body was tiny, my face was in no way skeletal as my eyes did not appear sunken and I retained my youthful and rounded cheeks. What I’d lost in my weight though I found in my voice. For the first time in my life I argued with my parents. They would do everything to try to get me to eat more, including yelling at me. I felt bullied by them sometimes because of it, even though I knew that they were just concerned about me. They became so worried about me that Dad spoke to his boss – a well-known Australian doctor – about taking me to court to have me placed into a hospital without my consent. Nanna also came down to visit and to try to encourage me to eat more. I remember that she cried when she saw me, and she gave me a hug. It all came to a head when I gave up food and water altogether. I was on my fourth day of no intake – I didn’t even feel hunger or thirst by that stage – when my parents took my emaciated, frail and exhausted body to the Emergency Department of the Royal Prince Alfred Hospital (RPA). I just didn’t have the energy to fight them anymore.