Virgin & Other Double Standards

I was still a virgin, in every sense of that word, when it all changed at 16. At that age, I still didn’t know very much about sex. I had still not even been on a single date with a boy my own age. Although I had kissed a couple of boys who were neighbours and friends that we used to hang out with, that’s as far as it ever went. I hadn’t done any of the ‘other things’ that I’d heard about in high school from the age of 13. I’d heard gossip of other girls of the same age and older being publicly outed and labelled as ‘sluts’ for being vaginally fingered at school. At the time it was so scandalous – how dare she! Whatever girl this applied to, it was never thought of in a good way. The guys? For some reason, I never even heard their names mentioned let alone labelled negatively as they were not the topic of discussion. I found this confusing at the time. Obviously, these girls were ‘bad’, but I didn’t understand why they were regarded as such. It also made me feel an inner and unwarranted shame in myself, as I had my own burgeoning and forceful sexuality, and I’d had it for quite a long period. In fact, it had been quietly growing for a few years before I even had my first menstrual period at 14. 

From recollection, my first fantasy was from a very young age. I had played with Ken and Barbie dolls in my parent-built dollhouse in very sexual ways before I even knew what it meant. I must have only been five or six. By fifth or sixth grade in primary school, I was having recurring sexual fantasies that I didn’t feel that I could share with anyone – I didn’t even dare to tell my sister. I looked around at my classmates and thought of myself as so foreign. I had no idea whether they shared similar feelings; similar thoughts. They certainly didn’t display it, though neither did I. Despite classes at school dedicated to normal changes that would happen as we developed into adults, this time showed me that adolescence could be a very lonely time.

Before I go on, let me make this very clear: I have never been attracted to older men as such. In fact, I have generally dated at my own age or slightly younger despite the fact that I have been pursued and/or been shown unwanted interest by countless older men. I had no interest; and even at my most experienced (and this story is to come), I never would have known what to do with them. I also do not want to convey that I sought sex from a young age. I was a girl in my maturity and in my heart. My young fantasies were just that.  A young girl’s inner thoughts – not tainted by outside influences. I was simply experiencing, and experimenting with, thoughts of what could be in the future as an adult woman. I didn’t even know what it was at the time and I certainly wouldn’t even have been able to verbalise my feelings (at the time). There was not even a thought of a boy touching me in a sexual way let alone a man. As such, even at 13, I would have run a mile if a boy my own age, or even a couple of years older, had suggested anything beyond kissing. It was just an inner fantasy of discovering my own normal female sexuality in a safe environment (my own mind). No male required.